2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
Gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
Something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
Flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
Shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
Finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
What do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

The Republic Of Texas

We Texans love y'all, but we have decided to take action since Obama will soon be president. We'll miss you, too.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing all the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are taking matters into our hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Swear in Barak Hussein Obama President of the United States . (All 49 states.)

#2: George W. Bush comes home and becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas .


So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic? We are already set!

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (We will control the space industry.)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

3. Defense Industry. (We have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. Obama will figure a way to keep them warm. ...

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc.
The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University. Ivy grows better in the south anyway...

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (We can just open the border when we need some more.)

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since every body down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple of Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and let's not forget seafood from the gulf....and everybody down here knows how to cook 'em so they taste good. Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have. To the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, you will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won' t have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won' t have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Al Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Just to add one more thing. Texas can always apply for foreign aid from the US as they give to every body else in the world.

LET'S DO IT TODAY!!



Signed,


The People of Texas

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.

She has disposed of Bill  and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this!

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly!

The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'

Washington says, 'Never tell a lie.'

'Ouch!' Says Hillary, 'I don't know about that.'

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas  Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'

Jefferson says, 'Listen to the people.'

'Ohhh! I really really don't want to do that.'

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'

Lincoln says,  'Go to  the theater.'

From some guy named Reggie

Found this in the comments of this blog.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room. ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’

The husband looks up, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?’ he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. ‘Yes, I do,’ she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember,’ says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…’Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years’.

‘I remember that too’, she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… ‘I would have gotten out today!’

Arnold

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
(And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.)

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy."Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your Pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

From my "other mother"

Great joke sent to me by my friend K's mom .... pretty good.

Two Men Go To The Doctor's Office

Another good one from Duane ...

Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them is to get a vasectomy.

The nurse comes into the room and tells both men "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle him as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!"